Children start forming their personalities early, and often you see glimpses of these personalities before they are even talking! One child may be calm and quiet, while your other child is bouncing off the walls. One child may not take things like comments, grades, or mistakes personally, while for another child, a small mistake feels like the end of the world. 

Perfectionism, or the inability to accept anything other than “perfection” from yourself or from others, is something we’re all familiar with. As an adult, you might have your own ways of dealing with perfectionist tendencies when they pop into your life. As an child or adolescent, dealing with perfectionism can be confusing, and may feel impossible and discouraging. Research reveals that perfectionism is significantly associated with depression, anxiety, and other mental health symptoms in children and teens. While parents don’t want to see their children struggling, it can be hard when the “enemy” your child is fighting is something as invisible as perfectionism and impossibly high standards for themselves. 

So how can you, as a parent, support your perfectionist child? 

1. Help them to come up with “realistic” thoughts.
   Oftentimes, individuals struggling with perfectionism will have all-or-nothing negative thoughts such as “I’m horrible at this”, “this mistake ruins my whole project”, or “I’ll NEVER be good at this”. While it may not always be possible to turn a negative into a positive, you can help your child turn these thoughts into more neutral, or realistic, thoughts. “I’m horrible at this” can turn into “I’m not where I want to be, but I’m improving”. “This mistake ruins my whole project” can become “I’m not happy with this mistake, but do I really need to start over or can I fix what’s in front of me?”. “I’ll never be good at this” can be balanced into the more realistic thought of “No one starts out as an expert, and I’m still supposed to be learning from my mistakes”. The point of helping your child through this exercise isn’t for them to become immediately happy, or have no expectations for themselves. The point is to create some room for grace. 
   
2. Don’t dismiss their disappointment.
   While we want to help our children see themselves in a different light, and create more realistic thoughts around imperfection, we don’t want to invalidate or dismiss their feelings. The most loving and well-meaning of parents may find themselves saying things like “oh it’s not a big deal”, or “no one cares about that mistake, just ignore it!” While these statements come from a good place, they don’t make the disappointment or self-criticism your child is feeling go away – it just makes them feel even more in the wrong. You can acknowledge and normalize their feelings with simple statements such as “I can see that you’re really upset about this, I’m sorry you’re feeling that way” or “It’s normal to be disappointed when something doesn’t work out the way we want it to”. Validating their feelings before launching into problem solving mode lets your child know there is nothing wrong with them, and they’re in a safe space. 
   
3. Address your own perfectionist tendencies.
   As a parent, you want the best for your child. Sometimes, that means you don’t want them to struggle the same way you did. Many parents will recognize their own anxious/perfectionist tendencies in their children, and that becomes a chance for you to deal with your own negative thoughts or unhelpful patterns and start practicing self-compassion. You have the amazing opportunity to model for your children what it’s like to struggle with something, address it, and change into a healthier version of yourself. As you know, your children are always watching you!
   
4. Attend therapy or parent coaching.
   If you want to take the time to really address these patterns that aren’t working for you or your family, you can attend individual therapy, receive parent coaching, or pursue therapy for your child or teenager. Individual therapy can be an opportunity to identify and fix the thoughts and patterns that aren’t helping you in life, and that you may be modeling for your children. There’s also no road map for parenting! Every child is different, so pursuing support from a licensed professional with knowledge on parenting research can help you identify what’s best for your family and your child’s unique situation. Either way, seeking out professional help and support in navigating challenges is not a sign of weakness – it’s a sign of strength, and another wonderful example to set for your child.

If you need support navigating these issues, please click here to get connected with one of our therapists!