People have different views of what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.  However, we can all hopefully agree that trust and communication are pillars of successful partnerships! We often hear people discuss how important trust is to relationships. Communication is equally as invaluable as it is the pathway to knowing and understanding our partner. Intimacy is fostered through communication- even when it’s hard and complicated!  Instinctively, having conflict in relationships may prompt us to want to move away from our partner but communication amid conflict can allow us to move toward each other.

Here are some tips to enhance your communication with your partner:

Remember that you are a team.

Whether it is day to day communication or communication during a conflict, it is important to remember that you are on the same team. Before sports teams make game winning plays two things happen: they communicate necessary information and coordinate accordingly. So, whether you are trying to get a home project completed, planning a vacation, discussing finances, navigating in-law dynamics or hoping to resolve a fight- a helpful first step is to talk to your partner and collaboratively schedule a time to discuss the topic.  Next, try to stay focused on the topic that you decided to discuss. Often when emotions are high couples bring in a multitude of issues or previous injuries, which can make it hard to productively communicate.  

Listen to understand.

It can be easy to make assumptions, particularly in tense moments, about our partner and what they may say. Our own histories and cultural identities make up the lens with which we view the world and approach situations. We can hold space for our partner’s perspective by listening first, hearing both their words and noticing their body language. It can be hard to listen to a partner saying that we injured them and our first instincts are often to defend ourselves and justify our actions.  It is helpful to take a few deep breathes and recognize that your intention does not always equal the impact- meaning. You may not have intended to hurt them, but nonetheless that was the impact.  If you can begin with making space to listen to how you impacted your partner first- that will often diffuse the issue and create more space for them to understand your intent. One tip is to pause and repeat almost verbatim what your partner is saying to ensure you are understanding their message and pain- this helps your partner feel seen and understood.

Thoughtfully respond.

A key component to effective communication is honest communication.It is important to share your feelings and do so in a way that allows for further communication. When your partner says or does something that hurts or upsets you it can be tempting to outwardly display frustration through words or body language such as a glare, sarcastic remark or on the other end refusing to emotionally connect. However, being mindful of how we are communicating is just as important as the communication itself. It may be helpful to lead with letting your partner know what you are feeling (e.g. It hurts my feelings when… or I am frustrated because…).

Create a game plan.

Couples can create rules for engagement in advance of conflict that honor each person’s processing style and needs. The game plan for effectively resolving conflict should include: 

1. Time and place: Conflict is hard but the right place and time can assist in effective communication. Decide together what may work for you as a couple. Engaging in conflict right before work, with others around, or other times only amplifies frustrations.

When resolving a conflict together, each partner should be committed to communication in the moment. There may sometimes be a desire to walk away from the conversation but it can be harmful to communication to leave the room or the home abruptly during a conflict. Abrupt departures can leave one partner feeling abandoned. It can be okay to exit when things become too tense, if agreed upon in advance. Discuss details such as where you are going and how long you will be gone.  If deciding to take a break, decide a time and place to return to the conversation.

2. Be honest but careful not to attack your partner:
   Be clear about your concerns during communication and also open to your partner’s point of view. Lead with “I” or “I feel” statements to ensure that you are being honest about your emotional reaction or experience.

How to Move Forward

There are going to be times where you may be able to find a “happy medium” during conflict and times where you have to agree to disagree. Healthy couples understand that even if they “know” they are right it is in the best interest of their relationship to agree to disagree rather than continuing to fight. Have a plan for reconnecting with your partner. Recovering from conflict can include offering or providing forgiveness when fitting. Understand each other’s love languages and needs in recovering from conflict can help you to determine how to reconnect. Some need time, some may need touch, and some may need acknowledgment of what is going well.

Maintaining Healthy Connection

Create a practice of moving forward after disagreements. Acknowledge when things are going well in the relationship as a part of your plan for recovery after conflict. Do you like that your partner was mindful of your love language? Were you both able to communicate effectively during a time of conflict? Did you enjoy spending quality time with your partner? Let your partner know! We are most likely to feel satisfied with our relationships when we feel understood by and connected to our partner. Remember: communication is a vessel for connection!